Lana Vaughan

The Queen of Questions

Artificial Stress

Today is an artificial deadline. For many it is an annual high water line for stress and fear. For others it comes and goes and they watch the frantic stress with a satisfied smugness knowing they have taken steps to avoid this particular stress.  Their tax returns have been turned in.

I walked the fine line myself this year. Normally I have our taxes filed in January or February. This year the IRS had some processing problems and advised some filers to wait until they resolved their internal issues. That was fine with me. I had some internal issues to resolve myself about filing this year.

Last year I held “Go Deeper Still Women’s Conference” at Mt Hermon. We had 9 sessions, 4 speakers and 9 attendees. While the other speakers were amazing and the women who attended were blessed and blessings, I have considered it personally my “greatest failure” in service for God. I know, nothing overly dramatic about that…

A few months ago I got an email out of the blue from someone who had no idea the agreement my heart had made about GDS. The email said “Tell her she did good. She obeyed ME”. The writer of the email said he had no idea what the message was about but had to send it.

Last week I spent some time on the phone with a precious woman of wisdom and grace. She asked me if there were agreements I knew were re-building the walls around my heart. I told her how I felt I had not been a wise steward of the money Matt got when he was laid off from VMWare in Nov 09 and how a large chuck of his payout in Feb ’10 went to GDS. She reminded me that if he hadn’t gotten laid off we wouldn’t have had the large chuck for GDS. Then she asked me what I knew I needed to do but was procrastinating about. I told her I hadn’t filed the taxes yet. Not that they were late but that I didn’t want to look at all the money I had “wasted” last year. In my heart that was still what I thought.

Last night I had a dream and this is why I am writing this morning (Thursday). In the dream I was standing at the back of the room we held GDS in. The room was empty and the sun shining through the windows was the only light. It was just like the afternoon I stood there and prayed over GDS alone before the speakers and women arrived. I think that was the moment I made the agreement that GDS wasn’t enough. That I wasn’t enough. But in the dream last night I heard Him say, “It was always covered. I called who I called and they came. I trusted you and you obeyed. I paid for it before I gave it to you. Accept this gift, Talitha.”

As you probably know, our tax refund exactly covers the out of pocket expenses of GDS!

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